(Other) worldly advice
by Anon2124
Summary: Holly gets some much needed advice from her Mom...
1. Chapter 1

Holly knew she was dreaming the moment she caught sight of her mother. Her breath caught in her throat as her eyes flicked over the familiar face; the deep chocolate brown eyes and the lopsided grin. Her mom beamed at her with tears sparkling in her eyes.

"Hey Mom"

"Hey sweetheart"

"It's so good to see you...I miss you so much".

"I know baby, I miss you too".

Holly pondered why she had come to visit her in her slumber. When her mom had first passed she came to her frequently in her dreams, but as time moved on and Holly became stronger, learning how to cope without the hugs, advice and love that only Moms can provide, the visits became more sporadic. Now she would only appear to her daughter when she needed her most; the times she was stressed to breaking point, like her college finals, med school exams, her first day at work...come to think of it, they all centred around her study and work.

"Why are you here Mom?"

"Because you need me baby".

"Oh...?"

"Are you happy sweetie?"

"Well, sure, I mean, work's going great, I'm right where I want to be career wise and San Francisco is an amazing city. I've made some nice friends here too."

"I'm so proud of you Holly, you've worked so hard in your studies and you are amazing at what you do. I look down on you every day and wonder how I made you...I've seen all your achievements and I know how truly brilliant you are. But I asked you if you're happy. During all this time I've been watching over you, the happiest I've seen you was with her."

"Mom, please, it's complicated."

"Love tends to be, sweetie. Hollywood has a lot to answer for, fairytale love stories always seem so easy, but real love is so much more, well...messy."

Holly snorted. "Yeah, that's one word to describe Gail".

"I like her, she was good for you. You were finally opening yourself up to the world and trying new things with her. You were happy."

"And then she broke my heart".

"But she came back to you. And she loves you, unconditionally. I can see that. And I know you love her too."

"But it's just not that simple Mom. I couldn't pass up this work opportunity and she has Sophie now."

"You've always wanted kids, Holly, so you will be crazy about Sophie".

"You've seen her."

"Of course I have. Just because you left Gail in Toronto didn't mean I stopped looking over her. She's an amazing Mom you know".

"I knew she would be."

"Listen, Holly, I can't stay long, but I wanted to tell you something by Mom would always say to me. Grandma would say, "Mary, on your deathbed..."

"Ok, that's not morbid".

"Sssssh baby, don't interrupt the dead".

"Mom!"

As I was saying, she'd say, "Mary, on your deathbed, I promise you that you will not lie there thinking about how you wished you'd earned more money, or just worked that little bit harder. You will think about your loved ones and all those that you hold dear to you, and wish you had more time with them". I know your career is important to you sweetie, and I know how hard you have worked to get here. I have never been more proud of you. But just remember, that your work doesn't hold you in bed at night, and it will never love you back. Life is too short, as I found out, so please honey, just don't have any regrets about love".

Holly's eyes glistened with unshed tears.

"This is exactly why you shouldn't have left me Mom, I need you here".

"I'm always here for you Holly, I never left, not really".

Mary held her daughter as she sobbed into her shoulder; she brushed the long dark tresses and kissed her cheek like only Mom's know how.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Holly woke with a start. Her heart sank as she realised it was a dream and that her Mom was still so far out of reach. When she rolled over, she saw the framed photo of her and Gail sitting on her bedside table and reached for it. Thinking about her mother's words, she knew what she would do...


	2. Chapter 2

When Holly got home from work that night she kicked off her shoes and headed straight to the kitchen. She poured herself a large glass of red and, after pulling out a sheet of white paper and a pen, sat at the breakfast bar. She had been distracted by thoughts of Gail all day, finding it difficult to concentrate on the research paper that she had to complete. Eventually she had given up and decided she could play catch up.

The romantic in her had wanted to just book a ticket and jump on a plane to Toronto; she thought she could try and surprise Gail by turning up unexpectedly after her shift, or at the Penny, or well, just about anywhere. The words her Mom had spoken to her resonated loudly in her mind; she loved Gail and she did not want to spend any more unnecessary moments away from her. She wanted to be in her life in any way that she could, Sophie included. But the more she had thought about it that day, just turning up out of the blue was not the best strategy; she didn't want to pressurise the blonde by turning up unannounced. Gail must have been through a lot in the past 10 months, after all, Holly had just walked away from her and moved to another country. The adoption process must have been a long and arduous one, and finally having Sophie come live with her and trying to get her settled in must have taken a significant effort. Holly didn't want to jeopardise the stability that she knew Gail must have been trying to build for Sophie and so she had decided to try a different tact.

She knew if she called Gail, she would just ramble and not get across everything that she wanted to tell her. That was, of course, assuming that Gail would even take her call. Aside from some initial contact to let Gail know that she had arrived safely in San Francisco, they hadn't had any communication. Holly had received a few updates from Traci, but nothing too in depth.

She had considered writing an email, but it seemed just too impersonal. So now she found herself, pen in hand, hovering over the fresh, white and very blank looking piece of paper. Taking another sip from her glass for fortitude, she slowly began to pour open her heart; the ink creating not just words, but carrying with them all her hopes and dreams.

Dear Gail

I can practically see you rolling your eyes and scoffing at me that I'm so old fashioned writing you a letter. Just to return the visual, I'm sitting in my kitchen drinking a large glass of red, and all I can think about is you. I know it's been a long time since I've been in contact; I genuinely thought it would be easier this way, that somehow, with time, I would forget about you, about us, and I would be able to move on. I was wrong.

I wouldn't blame you if you stopped reading now; that is if you can even read my atrocious handwriting in the first place. I would blame it on the wine, but we both know that's not true. Now I'm remembering the time you told me that Doctors and lesbians have the worst handwriting in all of society...and therefore mine was beyond any hope. God I miss you. I miss everything about you, your insults, your grouchiness in the mornings, your smile, your unbelievably soul destroying eyes, your smell...OK now I'm rambling. I decided to write you a letter because I knew if I called I would ramble, but it seems I am adept at doing that in the written form too. If only you were here to shut me up.

I heard you got custody of Sophie. I'm so pleased for you baby, for you both, I know how much you love her and I also know that you are an amazing Mom. The warmth and love that you will give her is so precious. I have nothing but admiration for what you have done and wish your new little family a lifetime of happiness.

The thing is though, Gail, is that I made a huge mistake. I never should have left you. I know it was messy, and complicated, and the timing was all off, but the truth is, I love you. I have always loved you, from the moment you gave me grief in those woods and called me Lunchbox, I knew. I should have told you that already, and even if you don't feel the same way, I still want you to know. Because I really do love you, unquestionably.

I wanted to come and see you and tell you this in person, but I didn't know if my presence would be welcome and I didn't want to put you under any kind of pressure. I know it must me hard adapting to a new life as a Mom, and I know without a doubt that Sophie comes first. I didn't want to impose on that. But if you think there is any remote chance that you still have any kind of feelings for me, then please, just tell me. I want to come home to you. I will fit into your life any way that you let me. I just can't be without you any longer baby. I need you.

I'm getting ahead of myself, I'm sorry. Just please, please contact me and tell me whether I should come home.

You've ruined me Gail; I am ruined for anybody else. I can still feel your breath on my lips, the taste of your mouth, the touch of you on my skin. I never want to feel that with anyone else. I am yours, and I hope that you are still mine. You are the last thing that I think of before I fall asleep at night and the first thing that fills my waking thoughts. I know you'll think this is gross but I keep a photo of us on my nightstand; do you remember the selfie you took of us when we had that picnic down by the lake? You're sitting on my lap and we both look so happy; I don't think I've smiled like that since I left you. I'm not sure that I'll ever truly smile like that again without you.

I think I need to stop now...stop drinking and stop writing. I hope you've stuck with me this far. I hope that I will hear back from you. Even if the answer is no, please get in touch. I'd like to say goodbye to you properly at least.

In the meantime, I will be thinking about you.

Yours always,

Holly xx

Totally emotionally spent, Holly addressed the envelope to 15 Division and left it by the door to post in the morning. Then she headed straight to bed.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The envelope had been burning a hole in Gail's pocket all day. It had been unceremoniously dumped on her desk at mail time and she had noticed the haphazard scrawl instantly. She had wanted to rip it open and devour the contents; it had to be important if Holly had written to her. But she had a full day of witness interviews for a high profile case and she had to give that her full concentration. Then she had to race out of the door to pick Sophie up from school on time and after homework, making dinner and bath time the evening had flown by. Finally she found herself alone on the sofa with a beer and she pulled out the envelope. Restraining herself, she peeled it open carefully and began to read.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Holly's phone beeped. And then it beeped again. She grabbed it.

2 Messages received.

First message: (See attached image)

Second message: Lunchbox. I have no idea what photo you are talking about. And your handwriting is STILL atrocious. Unfortunately, you are going to need to use it again to write another letter though; address this one to your boss and write in it: 'see you later, loser'. Come home already Hols.

Her phone beeped again.

p.s. I love you too xxxx

Tears streamed down Holly's face, but she was still able to make out the photo that Gail had sent. It was a picture of Gail's nightstand, upon which sat two photo frames. The first was one of Gail and Sophie, both with beaming smiles as they ate the biggest slice of cake Holly had ever seen. The second was the same photo that Holly had described in her letter.

The photos said it all. Plus two forever.


End file.
